The northern snakeheads are coming! The northern snakeheads are coming! According to biologists from Maryland and Virginia, the snakeheads, "fearsome Asian fish that can slither overland," have taken over the open water of those two states. The Week magazine reports that the first snakehead turned up in Maryland after a man, who bought it to make soup, had a change of heart and set it free. That change of heart is difficult to understand, especially now that the snakehead has been described as a sharp-toothed fish, a voracious predator, that could wipe out local species in a matter of years and eat everything in its path. The operative, and most troubling, words in the news story were, "They’ll eat everything in their path." In a Darwinian jungle out there, larger fish are expected to eat the smaller fish, but what about small children or pets wandering too close to the water’s edge? What if the snakefish, emboldened by their successes, decide they want more than small, dainty appetizers wearing dog collars? As their appetites increase, the voracious fish might set their sights on more substantial dinner entrees. Could we adults unwittingly become part of the northern snakeheads’ plan to super size? Another troubling sentence in the news story was, "They can slither over land." We can be expected to cope with menaces that walk, amble or stroll, but the word "slither" connotes a rather sinister mode of travel. Snakes, escaped prisoners and even some rather strange relatives slither. Anything or anyone capable of slithering would also be likely to sneak up on you when you’re not looking. We can only imagine what this all will mean for the tourism industry people, who naturally assume tourists will have a good time around water. What our country doesn’t need at this time are terrorist fish from other countries, capable of attacking us when we least expect it. In a time when many people are already clamoring about a need to know, the following warning signs might indicate if you and your loved ones have been targeted by the deadly northern snakeheads: First of all, there’s a slimy, wet trail between your house and the nearest lake or stream. The trail will be easier to detect in a desert or urban area than in some setting like Minnesota, where most residents live within a stone’s throw from a lake and wet trails might be more commonplace. Your pets are slowly and inexplicably disappearing. Only their tiny flea collars have been left behind. In most cases, pet goldfish and tropical fish in small aquariums are the first to go. The bamboo cane fishing poles stored in your garage have been rendered useless. Something or someone has apparently chewed them in half with sharp little teeth. The packages of fish sticks in the kitchen freezer have mysteriously disappeared, and only chewed up, shredded packages are left behind. The good news is that the fish stick disappearances are putting to rest critics’ suspicions that fish sticks contain very little fish and they are mostly breading. This should be a time of caution for all of us. However, if we pack up our belongings and move our families to the deserts of the Southwest or the arid Badlands of South Dakota, the snakeheads will have won.
