© 2003 Carole R. Achterhof It’s springtime and, as it turns out, there’s a lot more than love in the air. Rice University researchers have concluded that outdoor barbecuing, the latest health scare, is filling the air of Houston, Texas, with tiny meat particles. According to The Week magazine, "bits of polyunsaturated fatty acids — created when meat sizzles on a barbecue — are a fraction of the width of a human hair. They float up from the grill, mix with exhaust, dust, and diesel fumes, and clog people’s lungs." The study is obviously not well received in a state where more than 400 barbecue competitions are held every year and most backyards have outdoor grills. Similar studies in Los Angeles led to regulations which require fast food restaurants to install special filters on their exhaust vents. It’s only a matter of time before barbecuing culprits will be recognized in legal systems on two levels — misdemeanors (eventually known as ("misdemeaters") and felonious filet fryers. Barbecuing offenses will become common entries on courtroom dockets. Instead of executing crimes with special force, criminals will face extra time for using special sauces. Photos of notorious barbecue felons will appear on television’s "Most Wanted" program and their criminal names will become household words — "Bad Burger Boy," "Saucy Sam" and "Tommy Two Tongs." In the never-ending search for barbecue felons, no charcoal briquettes will be left unturned. Several situations might indicate whether innocent families, perhaps yours, are wittingly harboring hard-core, prime-choice barbecue felons in their homes. The most obvious sign, of course, will be the controversial bumper stickers plastered on the family cars — "They will get these meat tongs when they pry them from my cold, hard fingers." Barbecue and outdoor grilling cookbooks, which might appear incriminating, have been moved from open shelves in the kitchen to a locked gun cabinet. The person’s favorite clothing items include chef hats, oven mitts and aprons with bold statements, such as, "Give me grilling or give me death" or "Kiss the griller killer." A meal doesn’t seem like a meal without a side of beef and a bucket of sauce. Because all of your meals are grilled outside, no one seems to notice that the kitchen stove and oven broke down several years ago. Based on the fact that you buy its products by the case, a nationally known hot sauce company has placed your family on its list of preferred customers. Your family’s intake of grilled meats has a direct effect on the commodities market. Butcher shops and barbecue sauce aisles of grocery stores will appear to be under the constant surveillance of suspicious-looking out-of-towners wearing dark suits, ear wires and sunglasses. The final warning sign that you might have a barbecue felon in your home will be one of those out-of-towners, reading your Marinade rights (instead of the usual Miranda rights) after you answer the door bell. One question still remains. Is it possible for a barbecued beef felon to be on the lam?
