There are times when fishermen look at flopping fish on the ends of their lines and ask themselves some hard questions. Until recently those questions have been, "Should I release or eat this fish?" or "Is this fish frying pan worthy?"South Korean fishermen will soon have other options — "this fish has swallowed one of my hooks. Should I eat it, sell it or take it to a fish doctor?"According to Reuters, South Korean will soon have its first fully licensed fish hospital with specialists trained to treat trout with fin fungus and grouper with gill infections. The fish hospital will primarily serve commercial fish and shellfish farms in the area, but at least one fish doctor hopes to make tank calls for people who have sick pets. "If the chance arises to treat a pet goldfish, I will do it," noted fish doctor Kim Choon-sup. Presumably, the good doctor is now searching for a tiny stethoscope and itty-bitty waterproof bandages. It should only be a matter of time before fish hospitals are set up in our country, and it should be fairly easy to model them after a well-established medical facility in Minnesota, the Mayo Clinic. After sidestepping some inevitable trademark litigation, the fish hospital could be called Fish and Mayo. The primary challenge would be to hear the name of the place and suddenly not feel hungry. In addition to treating the physical illnesses of fish, counseling services could help fish with less tangible, emotional issues. We all know such problems exist. Why else would we talk about people who "drink like a fish" or "act like a fish out of water?" If the fish weren’t acting that way in the first place, why would we refer to "fish in troubled waters?" At Fish and Mayo, fish doctors will have to be particularly careful about what they say within earshot of their patients, that is, of course, if the patients have anything resembling ears. A doctor should avoid saying things such as, "You take this patient nurse. I have other fish to fry." "This looks fishy" or "it’s time to either fish or cut bait."Speaking of cutting bait, the fish hospital’s morgue protocol should be fairly simple. Except for an obvious absence of parsley sprigs and lemon wedges, a fish autopsy would look much the same as dressing out a fish for a dinner entrée.Taking a cue from today’s rap singers who like to spell fat as "phat," the fish doctors could be called phishologists. Instead of dermatologists, there would be scalologists. Respiratory therapists would be called gillologists.A list of vital signs for fish will have to be closely followed. They’re cold-blooded, so taking their temperatures won’t be a big help. Do fish have blood pressure? Perhaps the only vital sign will be when fish look "down in the gills." Concerned owners of pet fish will have two choices about transporting ailing patients to the local Fish and Mayo. They may either call for an ambulance, actually a large aquarium on wheels, or they may choose to place the patient in a large Tupperware bowl with a leak proof lid and do the driving themselves. Because fish are so different from humans, their hospitals and medical care will also be unique. If we stop to think about it, fish even die differently. French novelist Andre Gide once observed, "Fish die belly-upward and rise to the surface; it is their way of falling."
