Letters from the Farm

What your mother told you is true after all — good deeds are eventually rewarded. Marco d’Aviano had to wait more than 300 years. With a headline reading, "Cappuccino Friar Moves Along Sainthood Path." Reuters reports that the 17th-century friar and five other Italians were recently beatified by Pope John Paul in a final step before sainthood. According to the article, d’Aviano created the frothy coffee drink cappuccino. (Incidentally, he also thwarted a Muslim invasion of Europe and cured a nun who had been bedridden for 13 years.) Reuters notes, "The drink, now supped by millions around the world, was called cappuccino after the Capuchin order of monks to which d’Aviano belonged." There is no mention of caffeine as being the reason the nun finally got out of bed, but many of us could attest to similar experiences. Although the last thing any of us would ever want to do is tell the pope how to do his job, one other unsung hero should definitely be singled out for sainthood honors. That candidate, of course, would be the person who invented elastic waistbands. In fact, if the waistband inventor hadn’t done the impossible, we would be forced to drink our cappuccinos with milk froth instead of more satisfying whipped cream. Without elastic waistbands, our lives would be isolated and lonely. Many of us would be unable to leave our homes and mingle with other people on a daily basis. Our regular waistbands, unattractive combinations of strained zippers, buttons and snaps, would have to be held together with series of safety pins or rubber bands. We would be unable to get dressed up and go out to eat at the same time. Without elastic waistbands, we would have little or no flexibility. We would be unable to bend over with no "give" at our waistlines. Because of elastic waistbands, we can be more gracious dinner guests. We never run the risk of insulting chefs or hostesses by turning down their offers of second or third helpings of food. Because of their flexibility and magical characteristics, elastic waistbands can easily cover a span of four sizes and make up for a lifetime of being unable to resist food in any form. (The latter might be referred to by some as gluttony, but I prefer to think of it as having a healthy appetite.) Elastic waistbands will stick with you through thick or thin. They are extremely forgiving and they will go out of their way to cover up your past mistakes and weaknesses. Not unlike some favorite foods, they can actually be your best friends. Without stretchable waistbands, we would become a nation of muumuu wearers. Other nominees for sainthood might have easily included the inventors of automatic washers, dryers and dishwashers, microwave popcorn, aspirin and non-feathering lipstick. (In case you’re wondering, that’s the lipstick that stays on the lips and doesn’t flow along most of the wrinkles on the lower half of one’s face, creating the illusion of a complicated roadmap.) As far as sainthood is concerned, it might help if the inventor of elastic waistbands did some other incidental things related to world peace or solving a major health problem along the way. It worked with Marco d’Aviano.