This might be too weighty a subject for a midsummer’s day. At this time of year, our thoughts normally turn to the artery-clogging hot dogs served at baseball games, juicy burgers sizzling on the grill and mountains of potato salad. We certainly don’t want to think those same foods may cause our country to slip into oblivion. According to The Week magazine, geologist Robert Roverne has told another publication, Weekly World News, that "Americans are becoming so obese that the continent will soon sink into the ocean." If the population doesn’t shed 1.5 billion pounds, he explained, or 20 pounds per overweight person, shorelines and coastal planes will drop below sea level. If that’s the case, we should all be taking swimming lessons and investing in reliable flotation devices. "Innocent people, and I’m talking here about slim Americans," proclaimed Roverne, "are in dire peril through no fault of their own." At this point, we might question his opinion of innocent, slim Americans. After all, these are the same people who refuse to support the economy of our country by purchasing more groceries than they need. These are the same people who snub offers of rides when they’re out jogging and they look exhausted. Innocent people don’t insult hostesses by refusing to take second helpings or eat anything with more than one gram of fat. Robert Roverne’s Sinking Continent Theory can be debunked with the Hot Fudge Sundae Theory. The latter theory compares the continent of North America with a large bowl of vanilla ice cream. No matter how much hot fudge and chopped nuts are spooned onto the ice cream, the ice cream won’t sink because it’s anchored firmly to the dish, which is solid. Much like North America, the Sinking Continent Theory doesn’t float. We might also argue that, given the big picture, a surplus weight of 1.5 billion pounds isn’t all that much. The total weights of our mountains, tall buildings and every fast food restaurant in the country would make 1.5 billion pounds pale by comparison. If the Sinking Continent Theory becomes a reality, we will be aware of several warning signals, well in advance of our colossal nosedive into the ocean. With both the east and west coasts sinking into the oceans, residents of the Midwest will find large cracks in their lawns and gardens. It would be similar to the large fissure which appears when a chocolate candy bar is slowly broken in half. Unlike the usual cracks in the ground, created by periodic dry spells in late summer, the new openings would resemble the Grand Canyon. Another warning sign of imminent danger would be the Earth shifting with the uneven distribution of human weight, causing the planet to slightly tilt on its axis. At first, the changes would be minor and then we might notice New York City occupying the position formerly held by the North Pole. More serious signs will occur when the Earth breaks free from its orbit and begins free-falling toward the Sun. Nervous eating habits, frayed nerves and intense heat will be obvious symptoms that something has gone wrong. At that point of "the dire peril", a certain geologist and all of those innocent, underweight victims might wish they had eaten more during their lifetimes.
