Enterprising dairy farmers in Switzerland are milking a new business for all it’s worth. They’re renting out their cows. Reuters reports that cheese lovers around Zurich "can now lease their own cow on an Alpine pasture to provide the personal touch that store-bought products just can’t offer." At least 25 people, "primarily city slickers," are seriously interested in the rental plan. Customers pay a fee of 380 Swiss francs ($275) per summer plus 40 Swiss cents for each liter of milk their rented cows produce. In return, the customers receive the cows’ milk, in the form of 150 to 250 pounds of cheese. Farmhands milk the cows and do the cheesemaking. The only catch is that the customers have to work at least one day in the meadow to earn their cheese in the fall. There’s always a catch. It won’t be long before cow rentals will resemble car rentals. In fact, if you say the two expressions — "car chassis" and "cow cheeses" — together enough times with a mouthful of crackers and Cheddar, they sound very similar. Cheese rental categories may eventually be divided into luxury, standard and economy classes, with negotiable upgrades available for frequent cow renters. Dairy farmers will scramble to register the most exciting names for their new rent-a-cow businesses. "Udder Delight," "Cash and Dairy" and "Gouda for You" are only a few possibilities. Luxury class customers won’t be expected to show up for the one day of milking. The cheese would be carefully shipped to their homes in the fall by special delivery. Their packages would include exotic varieties of cheese, along with complimentary gourmet crackers, cheese spreaders and slicers and handcrafted cutting boards. Behind their backs, these customers would be referred to as "the big cheeses." Standard class customers will have the basic package. One day of milking, a shipment of very ordinary cheese and nothing else. If the dairy farmer is feeling particularly generous on shipment day, the Standards might also receive complimentary packages of soda crackers. Economy class customers, the cheesiest group of all, will be required to report to the farms everyday and do all of the work from start to finish. They will be asked to provide their own pails and milking stools. Unless they happen to have cheesemaking supplies of their own, they will pay extra for cheesecloth, finishing waxes and the use of cheese presses. Milking the cows and then separating the curds from the whey will keep them so busy they will have little time for other activities during the entire summer. Jobs, social lives and time for personal grooming habits will be forfeited for the sake of saving a little money and acquiring permanently chapped hands. The Economy class will be little more than signing up as a farmhand and receiving cheese for pay. As a final insult, small print in the rental contract might specify that the arrangement won’t expire until 50,000 gallons of milk, or 10 years or whatever happens first. Economy customers will have more reason than anyone else to cry over spilt milk.
