Barbie dolls are a threat to morality, according to the religious police of Saudi Arabia. The Associated Press reported recently that Saudi Arabia’s Committee for the Propagation of Virtue and Prevention of Vice contends, "the revealing clothes of the toy are offensive to Islam." The committee also has serious issues with Barbie’s figure, a common criticism in our own country ever since the fashion doll was introduced by Mattel Inc. in 1959. Reading about the proposed, nationwide ban on Barbie dolls reminded me of a column I wrote several years ago in defense of Barbie as an educational toy. Perhaps her critics should be reminded of the valuable lessons she teaches people of all ages: Appearance is everything. Life is little more than getting dressed up and then changing clothes again. There are bad haircuts. Whether you’re a doll and your hair has been butchered by an eight-year-old wielding blunt scissors and fingernail clippers or an adult beautician with a bad attitude, the top of your head may land up looking like a well-worn scrub brush. If your legs or arms are bent the wrong way enough times, they will eventually fall off. (This is why many people refuse to sign up for aerobic exercise classes.) Even if they are reattached, the arms and legs will never work the same. It’s impossible to apply lipstick to one-fourth inch lips with a full-sized tube. It’s difficult to find shoes that fit. If you find such a pair, they won’t last long. They will either be vacuumed up or you will lose them. If you meet a boy, such as Barbie’s boyfriend Ken, whose hair looks like plastic, it probably is. When your younger brother rips off your Barbie’s head, it’s no sign he will grow up to be a criminal psychopath. If he suspends Barbie from a second story window and threatens to drop her, there’s a slight chance he won’t spend most of his adult life in correctional facilities. It’s impossible to pull a tight sleeve up your arm if your fingers are permanently outstretched. No matter how nice they look when you buy them, button-up blouses leave gaps in the most embarrassing places. If you buy a pink, plastic convertible, the wheels will fall off within two weeks. It’s difficult to sit in a car if your knees don’t bend. It’s important to have big feet. If your measurements in inches are 4-2-3 and you have half-inch feet, you will continually fall on your face. Names are important. A girl named Skipper will never be taken seriously. It’s almost a certainty she will never be named to the U.S. Supreme Court. If someone draws on your skin with indelible ink, you’re marked for life. All brides are beautiful. When you’re covered with crayon and ink marks and your hair sticks out in all directions, a wedding dress will work wonders. Finally, Barbie dolls teach us a very important, philosophical lesson. Even if someone grabs you by the ankles, dips you headfirst in a toilet bowl and pretends it’s a swimming pool, always come up smiling. That’s good advice for anyone experiencing a particularly bad day — keep on smiling.
