Thanks to caring, concerned turkey farmers in England, some holiday birds are heading toward serving platters with smiles on their little beaks. According to Reuters news services, "Britain?s farming union has released a chill-out album to help turkeys keep calm in the understandably stressful run-up to Christmas." At least 300 turkey farmers in that country have been playing recordings of Gregorian chants, whale calls and rustling forests to their birds during the past few weeks. Less stressed turkeys under the influence of music and relaxing sounds apparently make less gobbling noises and they don?t flutter around like proverbial chickens with their heads cut off. The only gobbling the turkeys do involves poultry feed. As a result, they put on more weight which means more profits for the farmers. Although British farmers believe the principal reason for stress among turkeys has something to do with the "crash and bang of farmyard life," it?s possible the reasons for turkey stress run much deeper and include the following: For example, it must be difficult to listen to people standing outside your pen as they speculate about your dressed-out weight and you don?t even own a suit. It must be stressful to have a person point at your legs and say, "Look at the size of the drumsticks on that one!" Turkey stress comes from watching your friends head for the open road in a truck and never receiving a single postcard from them during their travels. It can?t be easy to see one too many farm employees wearing mean-spirited t-shirts reading, "You can?t soar with eagles when you work with turkeys!" Stress can be the only reaction when you?re constantly hearing critical human comments, such as, "What a turkey!" or "I?ve heard turkeys are so dumb they drown if they?re left outdoors during a rain storm!" There are understandable fears among turkeys at this time of year. Turkey phobias include: "Sidedishphobia", which is the fear of having to share the spotlight and your final moments on this planet with heaping bowls of mashed potatoes, gravy and cranberry relish. "Stuffingphobia" is a fear induced by nightmares where you?re lying spread-eagle on a kitchen table with a large bowl of a bread mixture (someone calls it "dressing") next to you. Seconds before you snap awake in a cold sweat, you think, "They?re going to put that WHERE?" Another reason for turkey trauma is the fear of being basted or glazed. There?s also the fear based on knowing that you?re the biggest turkey in the flock lately and that big turkeys have a way of disappearing. When you?re a turkey, size matters. Turkeys must also live with the growing suspicion that humans are mentally picturing them well-browned and decorated with sprigs of parsley. Although the British farming union didn?t plan to announce the number one turkey-soothing track until Christmas, we can only guess it includes sentimental favorites such as, "The Turkey Trot", "Turkey in the Straw" and "Five Fat Turkeys."
