This will be a new year with different rules for the chickens of Bartow, Florida, and some very affectionate Siberian rabbits. Associated Press reported both changes in animal lifestyles at the end of December, when many of us were contemplating new year’s resolutions and changes in our own lives. Chickens will no longer enjoy an elevated status, similar to that enjoyed by the sacred cows of India, within the city limits of Bartow. After receiving countless complaints about bothersome stray chickens, the powers-that-be decided to repeal a 1922 ordinance that made it illegal to kill, capture or "annoy" birds. The news story didn’t mention whether the new ruling will include other birds, such as pheasants, ducks or robins. With the change in effect, it will no longer be necessary for Bartowians to deal with the issues created by chicken sensitivity. For example, it will be easier to have a KFC restaurant franchise in town now that chickens no longer rule the roost. Menus, restaurant signs and billboards at the city limits may now feature mouth-watering illustrations of fried chicken parts with sides of cole slaw and buttered rolls without worrying about what the chickens might think. The gloves are off. Fowl language, not to be confused with foul language, will once more be allowed in public places when referring to other people. Fowl language includes insults such as, "Hey, look at that chick!", "What an old hen!", and "What’s the matter, are you chicken or what?" Older women in constantly bad moods will be called "old biddies" without offending chicken sensibilities. Recipes using chicken may once more be printed in their original forms in the local newspaper. Under the censorship brought about by the 1922 ordinance, recipes for popular hot dishes typically included the following ingredients: "One-half cup chopped onions, one can cream of mushroom soup and two pounds of the other white meat (and we’re not talking pork)." The "Chickens Rule!" slogan on the town’s water tower may now be replaced with something less pro-poultry. "Why-did-the-chicken-cross-the-road?" jokes may now be repeated without fear of repercussion. In fact, it will no longer be necessary to veer cars into ditches and risk life and limb when real-life chickens choose to cross any street in town. Rabbits also face changes. A company farm in Siberia, owned by the Russian oil giant Yukos, was charged with illegally allowing rabbits to mate "unsystematically." The decision leaves the rabbits with a couple of options, however. One solution would involve arranged marriages and a complicated system of hop-proof fences to keep philandering rabbits where they belong. The second option would be a video-dating. All rabbits would be required to make video tapes with their own little sales pitches for potential partners – – "Hi, my name is Bugs and I’m a Libra. My favorite pastimes are eating raw carrots, twitching my nose and hopping around aimlessly." Of course, the new "systematic" mating system will set rabbits apart from all other animal species, including humans. We’re usually not that organized.
