"In this world nothing can be said to be certain," noted Benjamin Franklin, "except death and taxes." If his words are still true, funeral expenses shouldn’t catch us off guard. That seems to be the problem in Germany. Soaring funeral prices there, according to the London Evening Standard, have created a demand for cost-saving services for the dearly departed. One extraordinary plan involves sending loved ones’ bodies to Poland, Slovakia and the Czech Republic for disposal. (In the funeral business, it’s referred to as "corpse tourism.") The advantages of opting for such a practice are quite obvious. For starters, survivors would only have to chip in for the cost of one-way plane or train tickets. Choosing between a window seat or an aisle seat would no longer be a major decision. There would be no postcards from exotic, faraway places to make us envious — "Having a wonderful time. Wish you were here." For once and for all, we would finally get rid of the old expression, "All dressed up and no place to go." The Czech Republic or Slovakia may not represent everyone’s idea of a dream vacation, but at least they’re places. Best of all, we won’t be forced to sit down and watch the obligatory vacation videos and photographs when people return home. They won’t be back. Corpse tourism might be a perfect, upbeat solution for an industry that tends to be thought of as dreary and somewhat depressing. Funerals could become bon voyage parties with festive atmospheres. Paper streamers, confetti and noisemakers would be the rule, rather than the exception. Instead of having to open dreaded phone calls to distant relatives with, "I have terrible news," your message would be, "Great-aunt Maude is going on a long journey and we’re having a farewell party for her on Thursday!" Eventually, there will be vacation specials for the one-way travelers. Most popular will be the no-frills packages without meals, side-trips or, in fact, any amenities at all along the way. Advertising pitches for airlines and travel agencies will reflect their new clientele. "Our Road Less Traveled Vacations are wonderful for your dearly departed. Choose one of our many remote, out-of-the-way destinations –— Nove Mesto and Vahom in Slovakia or Rikytnice and Jizerou in the Czech Republic. Be one of the first to call and receive a copy of Robert Frost’s poem, ‘The Road Not Taken,’ and a very helpful pamphlet, "How to Pronounce Foreign Names", as tokens of our appreciation and, of course, sympathy." Eventually, corpse tourism, a perfect example of "out of sight, out of mind," will attract its share of status seekers. After all, how long did it take for simple trips to see the largest ball of twine in Nebraska to be replaced by more colorful vacations in Hawaii or the Caribbean? For status seekers, everything in life (and perhaps after life) is a competition. "You sent your great-uncle to Poland? How nice for you. We were going to do that, but then we finally chose a beautiful island in the South Pacific. The tropical ambience is so much nicer, wouldn’t you agree?" Prices will soar again.
