Some columns seem to write themselves. A good example is this week’s topic — the dangers of becoming an overweight couch potato. The inspiration for the column wasn’t some general fear that our planet would spin off its axis with an uneven distribution of overweight Americans. Rather, it was a short Reuters story about Italy’s Health Minister, who is advising his countrymen to get rid of their televisions if they want to live longer lives. However, before a column could be written along the lines of "How to tell if you have become a couch potato," the best indication of all came from a connected news story on Orlando’s WFTV-TV. According to the station, an extremely heavy woman in Stuart, Fla., had to be transported by emergency medical professionals from her home to the hospital. That’s when facts became stranger than column fiction. According to the medical technicians, the woman had not budged from her living room couch in several years, and its upholstery had become grafted onto her skin. In other words, the woman and her furniture had become one entity. She had to be transported while still on the couch, which was surgically removed at Martin Memorial Hospital. Questions remain. Outside of possibly having your living room furniture surgically removed from your body, what are the other indications that you might be a couch potato? Could a constant eater become similarly attached to a refrigerator door? ("What do you mean, how much do I weigh? With or without my Frigidaire?") You might consider dumping the TV if any of the following warning signals apply to your sedentary lifestyle: You consider David Letterman and Oprah Winfrey to be your best friends. The entire cast of "Friends" has filed restraining orders against you, unfortunately proving that they’re not so friendly after all. Last season, the gifts you sent Ross and Rachel after their baby was born were returned unopened to your door by a police officer with — guess what? — another restraining order. Everyone at the Home Shopping Network greets you by your first name when you call to place an order. You also know all their names, as well as the names of their children, grandchildren and family pets. You have been known to watch the weather channel or the local community events channel on cable TV for weeks at a time. Because you can’t drag yourself away from the television, most of your food consists of home deliveries. Your living room has become an incredible walk-through maze of empty pizza boxes and paper drink cups. Your main physical exercise consists of changing batteries in the TV’s remote control. You send a cake to Barbara Walters because you notice she looks thinner than usual. What you wear is determined by which articles of clothing will color coordinate best with the living room walls and furniture. Of course, you still wear black for funerals on daytime soap operas and you try to wear something nice for the weddings. Finally, you will know you have become an extreme couch potato when your family begins stocking up on pry bars and a popular brand of solvent you recognize from late night commercials ("We can unstick anything!").
